"trust is like a vase, once its broken you can fix it, but it will never be the same again"

thought this quote was really accurate. how easily it is to break someones trust and yet once we do,,its so hard to rebuild that trust. we are always suspicious, always wondering, not quite sure,,is this true,,,are the lying?
its sad, cause i think most times when we realize the trust has been broken we wnat so much to fix it and yet its so hard to regain.
i think back to times i have let people down, and i know in my heart that i will never do the damage again, yet that person really cannot trust me 100%.
i think of times my children have let me down, they know it, they hate that i dont trust them, they strive to make it up
i think of times my husband has let me down,,he thinks,,its over its dealt with, move on,,i cant trust quite that easily.
i think of friendships who have faded because of trust issues in my life.
 i want to move forward, i want to, i want to .
i guess my problem is that i give so easily and i do trust so much,,but once that trsut has been broken,,,i cant forget it, i try,,i pray,,only through gods grace and his power can i let it go and move forward.
trust such a strong powerful word,,able to create amazing relationships,,and able to tear them apart so easily

some days i feel i cant do anything right. i feel i am living under Gods plan. i feel i am allowing him to lead me. i am watching what i say. iam trying to be respectful of others feelings. but it still seems i cant do or say the right stuff. why is that? i just try and think and it seems i dont know how i would do anything differently,,,and yet i am misunderstood. i am taken the wrong way, i am accused.
i allow it to get to me sometimes. i let the words of others really hurt me and affect me deep inside. i try not to show it,,but i wear everything on my sleeve. they all know they have gotten to me. i take things too personally.
i go and sit and talk to God,,thinking this is my solace, this is my peace. this is my harbor. it doesnt matter what others think,,it only matters that i am living my life according to his will and his purpose. it gives me courage and strength to go on,,knowing he is leading my life and guiding my thoughts. i trust he is in control.
it scares me,,and this makes me wonder if i am wholy trusting,,,,the fear,,,i want to abandon all fears and just relax in him, knowing he will not lead me into anything i cannot handle.
i do trust him. i can see my life how it has changed over the years. i know i have an inner peace. i know he is watching and guiding. some days i may feel like im messing up,,but he still is with me,,i am not alone.

"anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were"

so this past week i am dealing with a lot of hurt feelings, feelings where i am needing to offer forgiveness. its tough. i have thought myslef to be such a forgiving person the past few years. i truly want to offer grace. i have been given so much grace, mercy and forgiveness in my life,,how can i offer anything less.
but sometimes,,,,i just find it hard,,,and i struggle with those feelings. there comes a point where i am just saying enough,,i cant offer anymore,,i just cant,, i;m tired of being the person who always says its ok,,,but then God speaks to me and i realize he forgives me over and over daily for the same sins numerosu times..never saying enough to me,,and he is God!
but at what point can i say this is it,,im done,,,or can i?
i dont want to carry the anger around,,i want to be a forgiving person, i want to grow daily. i want to be better,,more Godlike, full of grace. is it possible?  only through Him.

" be soft, dont let the world make you hard. dont let the pain make you hate. dont let the bitterness steal yoursweetness. take pride that even though the rest of the worl may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place"

came across this verse a few weeks ago. i just fell in love with the words. it was very encouraging to me. i have been in a place where i was hard, and bitter and couldnt find peace anywhere. now i do knopw whaty peace is, there are days i admit when i really struggle and i see my old self trying to push its way back in, i feel the confrontational person pushing out, i sense the hurt and angered immature woman who i thought was gone,,but truly i9s a part of me,,just a part i have dealt with,,trying to convince me that i still have reson to be bitter and angered.
truth is,,i dont want to be that person. i like being at peace. i like having control over my emotions and staying softer. this world can be so hard, it can beat you up if you allow it. people can kick you till you ae beat to the ground..but i have enough fight in me to know i dont want to go thee again. im going to stay strong and continue to fight for this person i ams triving to be. the person i know i want to be. she comes out strong some days! other days she is very timid..but she is there. and i believe in her.

" not what i should be, not what i could be, not who i want to be, but sure not who i used to be"

been going through some personal struggles lately. questioning my own self, my thoughts my fears. questioning God. testing my faith. i have really been trying to allow God to work in me and just rest in his hands. i feel like everyday i am struggling to be better and just let him do his good works in my life. sometimes i really grow,,other times i fail and i fall and i make a mess out of things. i think when people look into my life and they dont truly know me,,they think i am feeling i am better than the average person,,and that is just not the case. if anything is the complete opposit. i know who i am and where i have come from, i know what lies deep inside my heart and the sin i have inside. the difference is that i really want to be better..i dont want to come off as "holier than thou". i want to come off as someone who is struggling with understanding why God loves me so much he offers me grace and forgiveness. why me? I know i am not anything special but i do know he loves me in spite of that. i want to offer that same grace to the people in my life. i guess sometimes it may come off the wrong way. i know my heart has changed the past few years. i am more gentle and more forgiving. i allow people to make mistakes. i allow them to grow in life alongside of me. i know we are all living this life toghter and somedays it just sucks. i want to be a supporter and an encourager. sometimes it doesnt go as planned. to those in my life that i am not showing you the love of God in my life and the way i live,,forgive me....i am a continuing piece of work in gods hands and he is working in my life day by day.

"life is a series of rooms, who we get stuck in those rooms wioth adds up to what our lives become"
read this tonight. started thinking about all the people who have come in and out of my life. some awesome and amazing. others detrimental to me. a.. of them served a purpose. all had some kind of influence over my life. they all helped contribute to who i am today. i have learned lessons. i have learned about true friendship and about betrayal. i have lost and found. i have learned wisdom and found advice. i ahve found a shoulder to cry on and i have been pushed away. ultimatley for the most part it was my choice who i allowed to be in my "room" . i have been blessed with some incredible people. i am thankful for the people who continue to stand with me through anything that comes my way. never questions , just holds my hand and stands by me. i hope these few people will never leave my room

well here i am in this place. i allow myself to dwell here sometimes. i know im entering it, i cant seem to stop it, im numb, i cant feel, i shut down. too much, cant deal with it, im hurting, think ;positive, deal, get over it, put on a smile. it doesnt work all the time. sometimes i juust cant. i dont like it here,,i fight it. can anyone see? do they know where im at? do they get it? its a struggle. a constant struggle. allow myslef to be vulnerable? nah. ill just keep pushing along. keep shoving things deeper. sometimes its easier. i dont even know what "it " is. its my prison. its my hole. im stronger than that prison. im better than this. i will fight. i will won. i will overcome. it cant keep me here because i wont stay. dont worry this too shall pass.

so today i was praying, and i said something i say often. i prayed,,"whatever youre will is, let it be so, allow me not to try and force my own way in, not to push and fight too get what i feel is the right way, but let me rest in the truth that you God have a plan for me and my family and it is the best plan"
i pray it but do i really allow myself to rest in this truth. to be at peace and know that God has a plan and its all working out for his purpose in my life. i realize its easier and less stressful if i would just take a chill pill and remeber he is in control and i am not. and when i step in, or should i say pounce in, i usually mess it up. i create more problems,
a verse i sometimes tell myself,,,peace be still, and know that i am God. there is a song they play on the radio with those words, its very comforting and makes me stop and rest in him.
i worry a lot. i want my family to be happy and content. i want the best for them. i think i know what that is. i think i know the best way to get them there,,,usually,,,most of the time. i am wrong. Gods perfect timing,,not mine.
"peace be still and know that i am god" Psalms 46:10

a friend sent me a quote last week.
"a mother is only as happy as her saddest child"

hop true i realized as i thought about the words. my daughter has been going through some tough times lately. i am feeling her hurts. i feel her pain. im not totally filled with happiness and joy right now and i realize i am am carrying a lot of her burden.
when my kids are going through a rough spot i feel it right alongside with them. and why wouldnt i? they are a part of me. many times i wish i could take away their pain and take away their struggles. i realize though that these are growing times for them. just as i went through growing times in my life they need to go through them also.
so i sit by with them. i pray for them. i support them as best i can. i let them know im on their side. and i feel their saddness.
one day the sun will come out again and they will smile and i will smile along with them.

"i got a couple dents in my fender got a couple rips in my jeans, try to put the pieces together, but perfection is my enemy, on my own im so clumsy, but on youjr shoulders i can be, free to be me"  lyrics by francesca battistelli

i cannot seem to get these words out of my head. its like its my theme song right now. i pick apart the words,,
dents in my fender, rips in my jeans,,
i have more dents and rips in my life that i want to remember. some really big ones! some tiny,,but i know they are there.
i try to put the pieces together, but perfection is my enemy
sometimes i sit and think over and over again and try to amke it all make sense. it never does, i want theings in a line, all my ducks ina  row. i want to not fail, hahaha.
on my own im so clumsy
well where shall we start. literally im the MOST clumsy person you will come across. do you know i once tripped over our home toilet? now who does that?
but on your shouldersi can be, free to be me
free to be me..what a concept. to trust enough that i can be me,, and its ok. i am unique. i can trust God has a plan for my life and its going to be perfect for me.

well its been a while since i have blogged. lots going on, pretty tired, havent had a clear mind to sit and write. so the past week we had some stress in our home. my oldest child found out her mother is human and makes mistakes! let me tell you it was pretty traumatic. she found out some mistakes i had made and she was pretty devasated. it was a rough night. things are good now, the air is cleared and life is going on as it always does.
this week has been a huge growing period for me. i had to revisit some things in my life that i dont like about myself. but as i went back there i realized i was a different woman now. i am wiser and i am stronger,,and you know,,i made bad choices,,BUT, my past is what made me who i am today.
i tried telling that to my daughter. explaining that we all go through a time in life when we dont particularly like who we are becoming and we do things that just dont seem to be in sinc with how we were raised. we test life.
but i had people in my life who never walked away, stood with me as i was walking through the darkness, picked me up when i fell and stumbled, and were still there waiting when i survived it all. i told her my prayer for her is that not "if" she fails,,but "when" she fails,,,there will be friends there with her . i told her i would always be there with her. i wont ever leave her.
its tough when we realize the people we look up to are human and they mess up also! i think its an eyeopener alos. it allows us to see people as people. no one is above the other. we all mess up. we all have regrets. we all have the capabilities to grow and become stronger people.

so i had a friend. her name was Kim. she was the most genuine person to walk this earth. we met at a moms group for preschoolers. we bonded. our daughters were the same age and so were our sons. we connected and understood each other. she was so easy to talk to. she never judged me. never pointed fingers. just listened.
so one day i got a call. she found a lump. the Dr. told her to wait a few months. she was concerned. i told her to get a 2nd opinion right away. well, it was cancer.
she was scared, but kept living life to the fullest. never did i see her down. although im sure she was scared and sad, you would never know it. she was more concerned with others and how they were doing.
i remember when her hair started falling out. she wanted me to cut it and help it look a bit better. that day was kind of silly. i think i had a harder time with it than she did.
kim had some good days and some bad. during those sick days i was truggling with some issues in my life. this is what she did. one day i got a letter from her. she had told me she was going to take one week and pray specifically for me and my needs and to see what would happen at that weeks end. another time she wrote me a letter. God had awakened her and told her to pray for me. she said she was awake all night praying only for me and my needs at that time in my life.    who does that? and when you have cancer??
me and my other friend mary decided we were going to throw her a 40th birthday party. a huge blow out. lots of friends. it was really nice. she enjoyed the day. you could tell she was tired. i have a picture of her and that day in my front room.
a few weeks later i got the call,,,she had dies while on a family trip. it still tugs at my heart.
no sad funeral for kim,,of course not, she had it all planned, we were having a worship celebration! she had all the songs planned out. it was a great service.
now as we are coming up on 9 years,,,i still miss her. i still pull out those letters she wrote to me. i still get teary eyes. i go through struggles and i wonder,,,what would she tell me to do.
Kim was a truly amazing woman. she loved her husband, she adored her children. and she worshipped her God even though her fate was to die and early death. Kim i miss you and i hope you know how much i truly loved you and i miss your friendship.

"many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your hearts."

kim april 13, 2000,,,,,,,,,,,

grace grace Gods grace,
am i saved or am i falling on my face
do your words apply to me
sometimes i feel i just cant see
i am blind i am lost
i take a risk i pay the cost
grace grace, Gods grace
help me Lord not to fall on my face

so i wrote those words,,oh probably qaround 2000. i was going through some tough times, some stupid choices. some life changes. i was feeling very lost. i had people telling me i was lost and basically had no hope of climbing out of it.
so about a wekk ago i had a really enjoyable night at work with a coworker and we got to talking about grace. i told her my story, my past. i was a bit scared. what would she think. but it turned out to be a great talk. she told me i had a great story of grace to share with others. and i used to think that all i was was failure,,sinner. pitiful..
but now a days,,,i disagree. im still a sinner, but im saved by grace. i know what was done for my eternal life and i am so grateful. mi understand the idea of grace and it amazed me beyond words. i wish i could explain it to people but i usually cant get it out in great words. i do finally know myslef though. i know that although others tried to tell me i was not saved and i was pretty much beyond repair,,that they were wrong, i was worht saving as is every being who desires to be saved.
grace is probably one of the hardest concepts i ever had to understand while growing up. i understand it now. and now my children struggle with it. i hope i can pass on my wisdom of this topic. grace is my favorite word, its amazing,,,amazing grace how sweet the sound.

so today i woke up very excited. i was going to spend the day with my 2 kids. i had high expectations. of course one should never start too high,,but i always do.
we got up did some light chores and we were off to the mall for summer shopping. within about 30 minutes i would say, both the kids were irritating each other. christian was bugging caryn and caryn w3as losing her temper with him. i warned them many times that they were not to ruin this day i had been anticipating,,def ears..
we made it to lunch. things seemed ok. we ate, we laughed, we smiled. we talked. off for more shopping. a quick stop at fannie mae,,,needed of course.
for the most part it was ok, some bickering came and went,,i again warned them. off we were home,,more fighting, i lost it. how could they not understand how much i wanted this time with them,,i wanted it right? this time with my adorable children. ,,,,,ahhhhhhh!!!!
so i think they started to feel a little bad and once we hit home everyone was a bit calmer. we sat down to eat dinner and watched a movie togehter and of course i had to seperate them,,,geez oh petes, you would think my kids are under 5,,nope,,16 and 11 with birthdays coming up in weeks.
so the night came to a wind-down with games..we sat on the floor and pulled out old board games we hadnt seen in years,,then came the WII,,,hahahahaha. they sure enjoyed watching me trying to figure out how to make my little wii girl run...they were actually laughing onn the floor rolling and maybe in tears. ,,i knew they were laughing at me,,didnt care. they were enjoying something together and i was savoring the moment.
its now quieting down. everyone is settling in for rest...i cherish the days with them,,even when they fight and whine and bicker, i knwo they are growing up and they will be gone before i know it....and then its gonna be quiet.,,,,,i dont want the quiet just yet.

so im sitting here and realized i havent written anything for a while. im pondering what to write. my mind is scattered, i feel my brain going in a thousand different directions. i want to write,,yet i have no clear cut thought.
i could start by saying im watching the oscars. something i find totally boring yet cant stop watching. the most thrilling part was jennifer aniston coming out and watching angelina jolie fake a smile at her.
i could talk about how i feel like a miserable excuse for a mother these days. i feel i cannot make my kids understand how to be kind and nice,,even if they dont feel like it. how to be respectful,,even if someone may not deserve it, how to show love to each other even if the other is driving them crazy.
i could tell you how i am struggling with my own sense of contentment. how i feel i am still trying to figure out who i am as a person. how i feel i am failing to be who i am truly made to be. how i struggle daily with my faults.
i could tell you i have been sick for almost a week now. im pretending like im fine. im back to work, im trying to be normal, but truth be known, im worn out. im tired, im exhausted.
we could discuss my children growing up, its hitting me that my kids will be older soon. will be off starting their own lives before i kinow it. how it saddens me to think of this empty house. fighting even missed.
or how about my husband. i feel i cant do anything right. i cant make him understand i love him and respect him, he also i guess is worn out. i understand. i miss him. im looking forward to our small vacation together in march.
or i could talk about how my brain works, do you get it? i am constantly thinking, worrying, organizing, i am continually trying to amke things better in my head and then transpose it to real life,,is this being a mom? or is this being insane? you be the judge....for now im off. goodnight.

today was beautiful. it was 60 degrees out. the sun was shining. the kids went to school in sweatshirts. tim and i both had the day off. i had a renewed sense about me,,spring was coming!. now i know deep in my heart it was just a tease today. i realize its only february. but my goodness what a great feeling. we opened the front door. we opened the front window and the screen. we have 2 cats. the minute they heard the window screen open they both tore through the house and jumped up into the window..fresh air! at last.
tim and i went otu for lunch, we got home and i coaxed him into a walk,,he hates going for walks. he does it for me. it was so nice. for those of you living in the midwest here you kinow how awful our winter has been. this taste of spring is like an awakening.
im sure i sound crazy,,i am i love and adore the sun. the feeling of open windows and the sun beating down on me. its amazing.
my son came home from school. he was so excited. he ran in the door, dropped his stuff and said he was going out to play football. we let him stay out till dark. he hasnt had much play time lately. my daughter drove up from school with her sunroof open. we all seemed to be in a great mood. its amazing what a little sun will do for our days.
tim and i started planning a little getway for march. just the two of us,,maybe on the carribiean. today got me all excited about the beach.
so now its almost 7 pm. the sun has set. our windows are shut. everyone is in for the night. tomorrow is predictting rain,,lots of rain. i realize winter is not over. i know cold is till going to come. but today was a little of heaven for me. cant wait till may!!!

hears a speaker today. talked about martin luther king and his impact. the main idea was that people are different, maybe we dont do things mthe same of look the same or think the same,,but it doesnt mean its wrong,,it maybe just different.
he challenged us as families to go home and talk about that we would not allow in our homes any mention of joking about different races. no racial slurs, no jokes, no put downs. if our children did this we were to remind them that we dont talk that way in our home,,and to the kids,,if they heard their parents then they had the right to say,,hey mom hey dad,,i thought we were not talking that way in our home. i loved the idea. my children loved the idea. we arent a family who judge people because of race but living in chicago we are surrounded by many different cultures. i want my children to respect other people. i want them to treat others well. not look at them as if they have something wrong because they may be different.
my daughter and i talked on the way to the car,,she said she wondered,,if she were alove back in the time when blacks were not alowed to be in the same restaurant or ride the same bus, or go to the same school,if she would treat them differently. i said i had wondered the same thing. we both hoped and prayed we would not,,but we really dont know what it would have been like growing up int at era. i cannot imagine.
i do know that right now i want to raise my kids to treat all people as equals. we are all people. people that God loves.

well ive been thinking,,this week was my dads birthday. i wrote about my mom a while back, i think its time i recognize him.
my dad,,where do i begin. for those of you who know my father, you know what an amazing man he is. my dad is a retired pastor, but he continues to impact many people in the community as he works almost daily in the public schools. he has a love for the children, a special compassion for them.
my dad is one of the most genuine people i know. i look up to him and i trust him. there is nothing fake or phony about him. he has no hate in him. he truly cares about people and wants to help people.
so grwoing up a pastors child,,,not so easy. i always felt that the whole world was watching me waiting for me to mess up, maybe i imagined it, maybe i didnt, regardless, my parents never expected anything more from us than they would from any other ordinary kid.
my dad has alwasy been one of those people in my life that i know i can go to for anything. i know he wont turn from me or push me away. he might not understand or like everything thats going on in my life,,but there is no doubt that he loves me.  there was a time in my life where i was at my lowest,,i literally spent many hours in his office in tears,,and he was friutrated with me,,but he loved me.
my dad has shown me what its like to raise children and love your spouse. how to respect people. how to liten and care.
i have had some pretty high expectations of men in my life,,,ok,,well as me and my best frined say,,my dad is one of the rare men in the world who seems to get it..i suppose my mom might say otherwise,,,but in the eyes of the little girl he raised,,he is an amazing man who i look up to and measure men to.
i know at one time in my life i was struggling with Gods love and grace. a friend of mine said to me,,chris, you know how much your dad loves you right,,,well God loves you so much more than even your dad does,,that statement hit home. wow! more thanh my dad!
so now my dad is a grandpa, he stays involved in my kids loves, he was there in my divorce,,babysitting, talking to the kids, helping wherever. even though he was busy, he would drop anything for my kids..
i look at how much i am blessed with a father who loves God and loves his family.
dad i love you. im so glad God chose me to be your daughter. happy belated birthday.

happy new year! mine did not come in with a bang i must admit. i worked nights the night before. i came home slept about 7 hours awoke and tried to be alive. we watched movies with the kids,,and i fell asleep during the 2nd one!. i woke up too see david cook sing on the new years show,,which was awesome.and then say happy new year to my family. we watched evil kenevils son jump,,which was lame,,and went to bed. fun huh? i remeber the days of going out and staying up till 4and 5. i cant do it and dont want to do it anymore.

so resolutions? i dont do them. i think they are silly. all that ever happens is i let myslef down. so instead,,these are things i would like to have happen on a continual basis.
i would like to be a better person, someone people look up to and think i wish i acted more like ehr. i would like to control my emotions and not get so angry and irritated.
love to be a better example for my kids. show then all they can be love them and never have them question my love
love my husband. be there and support him without doubt.
be a friend. a good friend, a trusting friend a loyal friend.
thats it, simple. no big weight loss get rich quick scheme, no exercise more crap,,thats all the basics,,i want the nitty gritty, the true stuff, the wisdom.

i hope you have a blessed new year.

oh yea,,i want to meet edward cullen and be a vampire,,,so much for realistic

"how you react to another person is because of you,,not them"

wise words huh?
i came acrosee this recently. it made me stop and think. i have been working on my attitude towrds others this year. at times it gets really hard. some people are harder to deal with than other. i have learned to stop and think about my words and think how they will be received before i speak. at times i fail. at times i let others get to me. i found myslef thinking ,,"man that person irritates me, boy he brings out the worst in me, that one person can sure bring down an entire group of people with their attitude"  but ya know,,after reading that statement i had to think, its my responsibility how i react. i can control my own reactions. i can allow that person to bring out my worst, or i can be mature and respectful and still treat people the way i want to be treated. kill people with kindness,,ever heard that? of course you have. and as much as we hate it,,it works.
so i have decided to stop blaming others for my poor attitude and start focusing on my own.