well here i am in this place. i allow myself to dwell here sometimes. i know im entering it, i cant seem to stop it, im numb, i cant feel, i shut down. too much, cant deal with it, im hurting, think ;positive, deal, get over it, put on a smile. it doesnt work all the time. sometimes i juust cant. i dont like it here,,i fight it. can anyone see? do they know where im at? do they get it? its a struggle. a constant struggle. allow myslef to be vulnerable? nah. ill just keep pushing along. keep shoving things deeper. sometimes its easier. i dont even know what "it " is. its my prison. its my hole. im stronger than that prison. im better than this. i will fight. i will won. i will overcome. it cant keep me here because i wont stay. dont worry this too shall pass.

so today i was praying, and i said something i say often. i prayed,,"whatever youre will is, let it be so, allow me not to try and force my own way in, not to push and fight too get what i feel is the right way, but let me rest in the truth that you God have a plan for me and my family and it is the best plan"
i pray it but do i really allow myself to rest in this truth. to be at peace and know that God has a plan and its all working out for his purpose in my life. i realize its easier and less stressful if i would just take a chill pill and remeber he is in control and i am not. and when i step in, or should i say pounce in, i usually mess it up. i create more problems,
a verse i sometimes tell myself,,,peace be still, and know that i am God. there is a song they play on the radio with those words, its very comforting and makes me stop and rest in him.
i worry a lot. i want my family to be happy and content. i want the best for them. i think i know what that is. i think i know the best way to get them there,,,usually,,,most of the time. i am wrong. Gods perfect timing,,not mine.
"peace be still and know that i am god" Psalms 46:10

a friend sent me a quote last week.
"a mother is only as happy as her saddest child"

hop true i realized as i thought about the words. my daughter has been going through some tough times lately. i am feeling her hurts. i feel her pain. im not totally filled with happiness and joy right now and i realize i am am carrying a lot of her burden.
when my kids are going through a rough spot i feel it right alongside with them. and why wouldnt i? they are a part of me. many times i wish i could take away their pain and take away their struggles. i realize though that these are growing times for them. just as i went through growing times in my life they need to go through them also.
so i sit by with them. i pray for them. i support them as best i can. i let them know im on their side. and i feel their saddness.
one day the sun will come out again and they will smile and i will smile along with them.

"i got a couple dents in my fender got a couple rips in my jeans, try to put the pieces together, but perfection is my enemy, on my own im so clumsy, but on youjr shoulders i can be, free to be me"  lyrics by francesca battistelli

i cannot seem to get these words out of my head. its like its my theme song right now. i pick apart the words,,
dents in my fender, rips in my jeans,,
i have more dents and rips in my life that i want to remember. some really big ones! some tiny,,but i know they are there.
i try to put the pieces together, but perfection is my enemy
sometimes i sit and think over and over again and try to amke it all make sense. it never does, i want theings in a line, all my ducks ina  row. i want to not fail, hahaha.
on my own im so clumsy
well where shall we start. literally im the MOST clumsy person you will come across. do you know i once tripped over our home toilet? now who does that?
but on your shouldersi can be, free to be me
free to be me..what a concept. to trust enough that i can be me,, and its ok. i am unique. i can trust God has a plan for my life and its going to be perfect for me.

well its been a while since i have blogged. lots going on, pretty tired, havent had a clear mind to sit and write. so the past week we had some stress in our home. my oldest child found out her mother is human and makes mistakes! let me tell you it was pretty traumatic. she found out some mistakes i had made and she was pretty devasated. it was a rough night. things are good now, the air is cleared and life is going on as it always does.
this week has been a huge growing period for me. i had to revisit some things in my life that i dont like about myself. but as i went back there i realized i was a different woman now. i am wiser and i am stronger,,and you know,,i made bad choices,,BUT, my past is what made me who i am today.
i tried telling that to my daughter. explaining that we all go through a time in life when we dont particularly like who we are becoming and we do things that just dont seem to be in sinc with how we were raised. we test life.
but i had people in my life who never walked away, stood with me as i was walking through the darkness, picked me up when i fell and stumbled, and were still there waiting when i survived it all. i told her my prayer for her is that not "if" she fails,,but "when" she fails,,,there will be friends there with her . i told her i would always be there with her. i wont ever leave her.
its tough when we realize the people we look up to are human and they mess up also! i think its an eyeopener alos. it allows us to see people as people. no one is above the other. we all mess up. we all have regrets. we all have the capabilities to grow and become stronger people.

so i had a friend. her name was Kim. she was the most genuine person to walk this earth. we met at a moms group for preschoolers. we bonded. our daughters were the same age and so were our sons. we connected and understood each other. she was so easy to talk to. she never judged me. never pointed fingers. just listened.
so one day i got a call. she found a lump. the Dr. told her to wait a few months. she was concerned. i told her to get a 2nd opinion right away. well, it was cancer.
she was scared, but kept living life to the fullest. never did i see her down. although im sure she was scared and sad, you would never know it. she was more concerned with others and how they were doing.
i remember when her hair started falling out. she wanted me to cut it and help it look a bit better. that day was kind of silly. i think i had a harder time with it than she did.
kim had some good days and some bad. during those sick days i was truggling with some issues in my life. this is what she did. one day i got a letter from her. she had told me she was going to take one week and pray specifically for me and my needs and to see what would happen at that weeks end. another time she wrote me a letter. God had awakened her and told her to pray for me. she said she was awake all night praying only for me and my needs at that time in my life.    who does that? and when you have cancer??
me and my other friend mary decided we were going to throw her a 40th birthday party. a huge blow out. lots of friends. it was really nice. she enjoyed the day. you could tell she was tired. i have a picture of her and that day in my front room.
a few weeks later i got the call,,,she had dies while on a family trip. it still tugs at my heart.
no sad funeral for kim,,of course not, she had it all planned, we were having a worship celebration! she had all the songs planned out. it was a great service.
now as we are coming up on 9 years,,,i still miss her. i still pull out those letters she wrote to me. i still get teary eyes. i go through struggles and i wonder,,,what would she tell me to do.
Kim was a truly amazing woman. she loved her husband, she adored her children. and she worshipped her God even though her fate was to die and early death. Kim i miss you and i hope you know how much i truly loved you and i miss your friendship.

"many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your hearts."

kim april 13, 2000,,,,,,,,,,,

grace grace Gods grace,
am i saved or am i falling on my face
do your words apply to me
sometimes i feel i just cant see
i am blind i am lost
i take a risk i pay the cost
grace grace, Gods grace
help me Lord not to fall on my face

so i wrote those words,,oh probably qaround 2000. i was going through some tough times, some stupid choices. some life changes. i was feeling very lost. i had people telling me i was lost and basically had no hope of climbing out of it.
so about a wekk ago i had a really enjoyable night at work with a coworker and we got to talking about grace. i told her my story, my past. i was a bit scared. what would she think. but it turned out to be a great talk. she told me i had a great story of grace to share with others. and i used to think that all i was was failure,,sinner. pitiful..
but now a days,,,i disagree. im still a sinner, but im saved by grace. i know what was done for my eternal life and i am so grateful. mi understand the idea of grace and it amazed me beyond words. i wish i could explain it to people but i usually cant get it out in great words. i do finally know myslef though. i know that although others tried to tell me i was not saved and i was pretty much beyond repair,,that they were wrong, i was worht saving as is every being who desires to be saved.
grace is probably one of the hardest concepts i ever had to understand while growing up. i understand it now. and now my children struggle with it. i hope i can pass on my wisdom of this topic. grace is my favorite word, its amazing,,,amazing grace how sweet the sound.

so today i woke up very excited. i was going to spend the day with my 2 kids. i had high expectations. of course one should never start too high,,but i always do.
we got up did some light chores and we were off to the mall for summer shopping. within about 30 minutes i would say, both the kids were irritating each other. christian was bugging caryn and caryn w3as losing her temper with him. i warned them many times that they were not to ruin this day i had been anticipating,,def ears..
we made it to lunch. things seemed ok. we ate, we laughed, we smiled. we talked. off for more shopping. a quick stop at fannie mae,,,needed of course.
for the most part it was ok, some bickering came and went,,i again warned them. off we were home,,more fighting, i lost it. how could they not understand how much i wanted this time with them,,i wanted it right? this time with my adorable children. ,,,,,ahhhhhhh!!!!
so i think they started to feel a little bad and once we hit home everyone was a bit calmer. we sat down to eat dinner and watched a movie togehter and of course i had to seperate them,,,geez oh petes, you would think my kids are under 5,,nope,,16 and 11 with birthdays coming up in weeks.
so the night came to a wind-down with games..we sat on the floor and pulled out old board games we hadnt seen in years,,then came the WII,,,hahahahaha. they sure enjoyed watching me trying to figure out how to make my little wii girl run...they were actually laughing onn the floor rolling and maybe in tears. ,,i knew they were laughing at me,,didnt care. they were enjoying something together and i was savoring the moment.
its now quieting down. everyone is settling in for rest...i cherish the days with them,,even when they fight and whine and bicker, i knwo they are growing up and they will be gone before i know it....and then its gonna be quiet.,,,,,i dont want the quiet just yet.

so im sitting here and realized i havent written anything for a while. im pondering what to write. my mind is scattered, i feel my brain going in a thousand different directions. i want to write,,yet i have no clear cut thought.
i could start by saying im watching the oscars. something i find totally boring yet cant stop watching. the most thrilling part was jennifer aniston coming out and watching angelina jolie fake a smile at her.
i could talk about how i feel like a miserable excuse for a mother these days. i feel i cannot make my kids understand how to be kind and nice,,even if they dont feel like it. how to be respectful,,even if someone may not deserve it, how to show love to each other even if the other is driving them crazy.
i could tell you how i am struggling with my own sense of contentment. how i feel i am still trying to figure out who i am as a person. how i feel i am failing to be who i am truly made to be. how i struggle daily with my faults.
i could tell you i have been sick for almost a week now. im pretending like im fine. im back to work, im trying to be normal, but truth be known, im worn out. im tired, im exhausted.
we could discuss my children growing up, its hitting me that my kids will be older soon. will be off starting their own lives before i kinow it. how it saddens me to think of this empty house. fighting even missed.
or how about my husband. i feel i cant do anything right. i cant make him understand i love him and respect him, he also i guess is worn out. i understand. i miss him. im looking forward to our small vacation together in march.
or i could talk about how my brain works, do you get it? i am constantly thinking, worrying, organizing, i am continually trying to amke things better in my head and then transpose it to real life,,is this being a mom? or is this being insane? you be the judge....for now im off. goodnight.

today was beautiful. it was 60 degrees out. the sun was shining. the kids went to school in sweatshirts. tim and i both had the day off. i had a renewed sense about me,,spring was coming!. now i know deep in my heart it was just a tease today. i realize its only february. but my goodness what a great feeling. we opened the front door. we opened the front window and the screen. we have 2 cats. the minute they heard the window screen open they both tore through the house and jumped up into the window..fresh air! at last.
tim and i went otu for lunch, we got home and i coaxed him into a walk,,he hates going for walks. he does it for me. it was so nice. for those of you living in the midwest here you kinow how awful our winter has been. this taste of spring is like an awakening.
im sure i sound crazy,,i am i love and adore the sun. the feeling of open windows and the sun beating down on me. its amazing.
my son came home from school. he was so excited. he ran in the door, dropped his stuff and said he was going out to play football. we let him stay out till dark. he hasnt had much play time lately. my daughter drove up from school with her sunroof open. we all seemed to be in a great mood. its amazing what a little sun will do for our days.
tim and i started planning a little getway for march. just the two of us,,maybe on the carribiean. today got me all excited about the beach.
so now its almost 7 pm. the sun has set. our windows are shut. everyone is in for the night. tomorrow is predictting rain,,lots of rain. i realize winter is not over. i know cold is till going to come. but today was a little of heaven for me. cant wait till may!!!

hears a speaker today. talked about martin luther king and his impact. the main idea was that people are different, maybe we dont do things mthe same of look the same or think the same,,but it doesnt mean its wrong,,it maybe just different.
he challenged us as families to go home and talk about that we would not allow in our homes any mention of joking about different races. no racial slurs, no jokes, no put downs. if our children did this we were to remind them that we dont talk that way in our home,,and to the kids,,if they heard their parents then they had the right to say,,hey mom hey dad,,i thought we were not talking that way in our home. i loved the idea. my children loved the idea. we arent a family who judge people because of race but living in chicago we are surrounded by many different cultures. i want my children to respect other people. i want them to treat others well. not look at them as if they have something wrong because they may be different.
my daughter and i talked on the way to the car,,she said she wondered,,if she were alove back in the time when blacks were not alowed to be in the same restaurant or ride the same bus, or go to the same school,if she would treat them differently. i said i had wondered the same thing. we both hoped and prayed we would not,,but we really dont know what it would have been like growing up int at era. i cannot imagine.
i do know that right now i want to raise my kids to treat all people as equals. we are all people. people that God loves.

well ive been thinking,,this week was my dads birthday. i wrote about my mom a while back, i think its time i recognize him.
my dad,,where do i begin. for those of you who know my father, you know what an amazing man he is. my dad is a retired pastor, but he continues to impact many people in the community as he works almost daily in the public schools. he has a love for the children, a special compassion for them.
my dad is one of the most genuine people i know. i look up to him and i trust him. there is nothing fake or phony about him. he has no hate in him. he truly cares about people and wants to help people.
so grwoing up a pastors child,,,not so easy. i always felt that the whole world was watching me waiting for me to mess up, maybe i imagined it, maybe i didnt, regardless, my parents never expected anything more from us than they would from any other ordinary kid.
my dad has alwasy been one of those people in my life that i know i can go to for anything. i know he wont turn from me or push me away. he might not understand or like everything thats going on in my life,,but there is no doubt that he loves me.  there was a time in my life where i was at my lowest,,i literally spent many hours in his office in tears,,and he was friutrated with me,,but he loved me.
my dad has shown me what its like to raise children and love your spouse. how to respect people. how to liten and care.
i have had some pretty high expectations of men in my life,,,ok,,well as me and my best frined say,,my dad is one of the rare men in the world who seems to get it..i suppose my mom might say otherwise,,,but in the eyes of the little girl he raised,,he is an amazing man who i look up to and measure men to.
i know at one time in my life i was struggling with Gods love and grace. a friend of mine said to me,,chris, you know how much your dad loves you right,,,well God loves you so much more than even your dad does,,that statement hit home. wow! more thanh my dad!
so now my dad is a grandpa, he stays involved in my kids loves, he was there in my divorce,,babysitting, talking to the kids, helping wherever. even though he was busy, he would drop anything for my kids..
i look at how much i am blessed with a father who loves God and loves his family.
dad i love you. im so glad God chose me to be your daughter. happy belated birthday.

happy new year! mine did not come in with a bang i must admit. i worked nights the night before. i came home slept about 7 hours awoke and tried to be alive. we watched movies with the kids,,and i fell asleep during the 2nd one!. i woke up too see david cook sing on the new years show,,which was awesome.and then say happy new year to my family. we watched evil kenevils son jump,,which was lame,,and went to bed. fun huh? i remeber the days of going out and staying up till 4and 5. i cant do it and dont want to do it anymore.

so resolutions? i dont do them. i think they are silly. all that ever happens is i let myslef down. so instead,,these are things i would like to have happen on a continual basis.
i would like to be a better person, someone people look up to and think i wish i acted more like ehr. i would like to control my emotions and not get so angry and irritated.
love to be a better example for my kids. show then all they can be love them and never have them question my love
love my husband. be there and support him without doubt.
be a friend. a good friend, a trusting friend a loyal friend.
thats it, simple. no big weight loss get rich quick scheme, no exercise more crap,,thats all the basics,,i want the nitty gritty, the true stuff, the wisdom.

i hope you have a blessed new year.

oh yea,,i want to meet edward cullen and be a vampire,,,so much for realistic

"how you react to another person is because of you,,not them"

wise words huh?
i came acrosee this recently. it made me stop and think. i have been working on my attitude towrds others this year. at times it gets really hard. some people are harder to deal with than other. i have learned to stop and think about my words and think how they will be received before i speak. at times i fail. at times i let others get to me. i found myslef thinking ,,"man that person irritates me, boy he brings out the worst in me, that one person can sure bring down an entire group of people with their attitude"  but ya know,,after reading that statement i had to think, its my responsibility how i react. i can control my own reactions. i can allow that person to bring out my worst, or i can be mature and respectful and still treat people the way i want to be treated. kill people with kindness,,ever heard that? of course you have. and as much as we hate it,,it works.
so i have decided to stop blaming others for my poor attitude and start focusing on my own.

so we went to willowcreek last night for their christmas program. it was called light. very nice. very inspiring. it was basically about the light and darkness. how in the dark many things are hidden, but when we step into the light all is revealed. nothing new, not a concept i havent heard before. growing up in churchits a basic teaching. the part the touched me,,was at the end. bill hybels got up and talked, very brief, but very emotional and very touching.
the jist,,,,most of our society believes themself to be a christian. by the bear minimal they believe, jesus was a good man, a great teacher. the basic priinciple of christian ity they can accept,,BUT being a christian is not about the basics and just saying,,ok i can live with that. being saved is about completely giving yourself over to the fact that he is the only way youre going to heaven and he is the only way you can be saved. putting your trust in only him to lead and guide you. how many of us he asked have been totally blown apart by our sinful self and grace has just overpowered us? how many have totally felt that power of his love and forgivenss and the grace that only He can offer.
they gave us am inute to be alone with God and allow him to speak to us. i was sitting quietly praying. i have many friends and family who are just on the edge, not really allowing grace to wash over them. they believe the minimal, but their is no relationship and as they told us last night,,and i already know,,is its about relationship. i sat and cryed and prayed for people i love. i cried as i remebered the time in my life i totally got it. i knew that i was a wreck and grace really exhisted. i cried as i realized maybe my example to people may not alwasy be the best and allowing them to see who Jesus really can be in your life.
we wended the night singing silent night,,the rule was you had to hug people you came with and encourage them and tell them how you felt about them as we were singing. it was truly a wonderful experience for me .
i know what i want for christmas, i want my family and friends with me for eternity. i know what we have been given, the best gift of all, now i just need to show it through my life and help others find that same gift.

" the greatest thing in life is finding someone who knows all your mistakes and weaknessess and still finds you completely amazing"

so most of you know i work nights. this alone can do awful things to your life,,but i am also a married woman who has only been married going on 3 years this summer. i also have 2 children. not little, but old enough to be super active. my life is crazy busy. i want to be all things to everyone. i am supermom! so while im trying to be supermom, superwife and supernurse,,i live on about 5-6 hours of sleep for the most part. some may say,,hey thats great. you have no idea who you are dealing with people used to joke with me, i need my 12 hours of sleep. i like to rise early and start my day, now im going to bed at sunrise and sleeping my day away.
so what does this have to do with anything? my mood swings are just too much i do believe. i dont notice it, but my family makes me aware that i get angry quicker, i get annoyed. i am alwasy tired.
so here i have my husband. not the most patient man in the world. but he does love me, he supports me. he encourages me. i come home in the morning and he will lay with me till i drift off to sleep. he gets my kids off to school when im at work. he tries to calm me when im exhausted and feeling like i cant do everything.
he sees me in my everyday mess. he knows what hurts me and where i fall short. he knows when i am spent and i cant do anymore. he sees me at my worst. and you know what? he still adores me. and i know this. i trust this. its awesome. to have someone in your life who knows your inner most being and sees the flaws and faults,,and still says,,yes i love you, yes i want to be with you. what more can you ask for? love you tim!

so i was driving to work the other night. work has been horendous lately. very stressful and chaotic. i was dreading going. i was in charge, i was tired. i was irritable. i was listening to christmas music on the radio and a new song came on i had never heard. it was sung by amy grant. its a new version of silent night. the words were something like this,,,
i need a silent night , a holy night, to hear the angel voice in the chaos and the noise i need a midnight clear, a little peace right here, to end this crazy day with a silent night.
it just hit me home. silent night is one of my favorite songs, and to hear the new version of it about broke me apart. the holiday season is just beginning and i feel overwhelmed and stressed and depressed. im not getting to do what i want when i want. i feel im missing so much this year. i can relate to that song. i just want a silent night to sit and reflect on what this season is about.
a silent night to sit in front of the tree with the lights on and no tv. calm, quiet, peace.
i went to work and arrived fairly certain that i could put myself in a place that would get me through the night,,but what i walked into was no such thing. the floor was chaos if ever it was. patients were upset, coworkers were upset. people were angry. and i found myself singing,,i need a silent night, a holy night,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

i heard a speaker tonight. he talked about faith. i have always fancied myslef as someone who lives by faith. i havge so much faith in my creator. i have said recently, there is nothing you can say to me that will change my belief in jesus or change my trust in him.
well tonight this man said something i found so interesting. he said when we have doubt, yet still believe it is faith,,but once we have true knowledge, with no room for error, it is no longer faith. interesting huh? i never viewed it that way. i believe in the unseen. i have faith in the unseen. if i were to truly see with my eyes, it would no longer be faith. profound.
my kids and i had a very interesting conversation on the way home. it was amazing to see how this sermon touched them and got them thinking. they both have doubts, they both have quetstions, they both said the same thing,,how can we know for sure,,,my answer,,you cant. thats where faith comes in.
in a world where knowledge is everything. prove it to me. make me believe. sometimes a little faith goes a long way. we dont always need to have proof. take a leap of faith. it may change your life!

went to church today. the youth pastor spoke about the influence we have with the next generation. he talked of all the negative things the world has to say about the youth in this day and age. and abouyt our role as we try to influence them. they brought up 6 kids from there youth group who shared different things in their lives that they were doing to contribute to the society in a positive way. he talked of our responsibility to bring these kids up to know God and to make wise choices. how we need to be there for them, live beside them. set good examples. it hit me as i sat next to my 16 year old daughter. i prayed i was doing just that. many times i feel i fail. i feel i let my kids down. but i truly want to be a good example for them.
as the service came to a close, the worship band came to do one more song. as they were singing ,,you begand to notice, , the band was slowly changing. kids were stepping in and taking the places of the band,,eventually the entire band,,and singers, were all teenagers. it was the coolest thing. the next generation leading us.
the senior pastor came out at the end and made a plea for help and volunteers in different kids areas. he stated they eneded 50 men in the junior high age. ! wo! 50. leaders who are men are hard to find in the church. they dont ususally have the time to give a way as volunteer. and they are the ones who are needed the most. young boys need positive role models to look up to and mirror. 
i walked away from the service r4ally thinking about my role in being a mentor and being someone my kids can look up to. i was wondering if i am giving my kids enough credit to be leaders of tomorrow., and am i equipping them?
i walked away wanting to influence them,,and at the same time,,,let them influence me!