courage

courage is very important, like a muscle strengthened by use.

i dont feel very courageous lately. many people have in the past week called me a courageous woman. i dont see it. i ahve gone through a lot and grown, but i guess i still know the real me. the person who deep down inside is so afraid of failure. so afraid of hurting people or making them angry. i push my own thoughts down many times so i dont cause disruption. i know its not good. i know i am stronger than that, but i feel so weak at times. i hate that part of me. i wish i could be more confidant. believe more in myself. i have always struggled with feelings of inadequacy. feelings of just not being good enough. it seems no matter how mnay people tell me that i am good at something , i dont believe it.
i have come to understand that these feelings can slowly exhaust me though. i find i have no energy i start believing the lies inside my head that i maybe just cant do it. i know its lies, i just need to dust it off and get back up and fight.
i am sure this isnt making much sense. its me rambling again. of course my excuse is i slept 3 hours today.
pay no attention to my mindless words.